The Questionnaire

"I once sent shit in a box to a dude who cheated on my best friend"

photo from Sara’s web-site

What drives you crazy?
My own procrastination.

What makes you laugh?
Ron White. He’s best known for doing the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, which is a comedy tour designed for white conservative Christians in the South who think of Jews as adorable supporting characters in the fairy tale they hear at church every weekend. Here’s the thing, though: Ron White is awesome. He is my favorite kind of Southern dude. He’s a brilliant storyteller, he’s smart, he hits all the right notes, and he’s really likable. I would love to meet him.

If you had 3 wishes what would they be?
1. I wish that all religious fundamentalist nutjobs were spontaneously rendered infertile, and also magically unable to adopt. I mean, I don’t want fundamentalist nuts from any religion to have any contact with children. They poison the poor creatures. You Israelis have the craziest people from at least three religions living in your borders. You know how nutty the fundamentalists are. Wouldn’t life be better if none of them could give birth? Also, since the fundamentalists are the ones who tend to have the most kids, our streets and shopping malls and public transportation would be far less crowded without their offspring. Unfortunately, I don’t want any government to have say over people’s choice to reproduce. Once again, my super-liberal values prevent me from enacting my dream of world domination.

2. I think that Joseph Gordon-Levitt (see him in 2005′s “Brick”) is the most brilliant actor of our generation. His gift is extraordinary. I would like to eat mussels and pommes frites with him, and then give him a high five.

3. I’d like to pay off my graduate school debt to Columbia University. I completed my master’s degree there, back when I thought I was going to teach secondary school for a living. Now I owe them about $65,000. They pretty much own my ass until I’m 40…unless I start making some sweet bank.

What is the craziest thing you ever did?
I once sent shit in a box to a dude who cheated on my best friend.  I literally wrapped my hand in toilet paper, picked up a piece of shit, and drew a smiley face on a piece of paper, upon which I had pre-printed the words “From one asshole to another.” And then I sent it to him. I think that’s kind of brilliant, don’t you? No? Okay. You’re right.

What makes you feel embarrassed?
Admitting that I once sent shit in a box to a guy who cheated on my best friend.

Sara Benincasa is a comedian, writer and radio talk show host. go to her web-site

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